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hot_kokoa
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Name: kas
Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 2/3/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: getting away from here.
Expertise: fucking up.
Occupation: Retired
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
3/1/2003
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| wow. i mean really, like wow.
seven months to the day of my last entry. i cant even begin to explain... how im not that person anymore :)
in any of this. i just read the last 5 entries... and it hit me, hard. i haven't even thought about xanga in the 7 months since i've last written in this. not until 10 minutes ago did i care enough to come to my emotional-drain of my xanga and see what was here. what i had left here, what seems like a year ago actually. this might sound familliar, it might sound like an old entry somewhere back, way back, and hey, you may be right. but, look. it may sound the same, it may have the same words in it, same medium im using to say it, same fingers used to type it out... but i promise you, i can pinky-swear, i can put it on graves, mothers, and every ice cream sundae in the world... it's different. i'm different. and there's no looking back for me this time. haha, i cant even begin to tell you how good it feels to say that with a smile on my face. this isn't part of the rinse and repeat cycle either, boys and girls. i know you've heard me say it a million-plus times. rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat. i know, i know. but, this isn't a one day thing, a one week thing, a thing where i'm like, "hey, im not sure how long this good stretch will last so i might as well take as much advantage of it as possible" thing. it's a real thing. it hasn't been a couple days since i wrote in this blog, it hasn't been weeks, its been months. seven. and its been a long seven months: i had a rough end to sophomore year, trust me with that. it was rough, i couldn't shake then. but i took the necessary steps to get out of it. i went to get help, and not only did i sit there and nod, i listened, i followed, and i got the prescription. that was step one. letting someone listen, taking the pills i was most scared of. i did it, they helped. they weren't the answer, but they helped, a lot. they were the first step to getting here, where i want to be. Here. Sitting on my couch in my new apt, happy. okay, still a bit lazy, still skipping a class or two. but, im Here. the summer surprised the shit out of me. i wasn't expecting much, in fact, i didn't want it to even happen. i didn't know what i wanted. and it opened with a jolt, a big slap in the face. my whole world was put on hold, it hurt more than i thought anything could ever hurt me. he hurt me more than i thought anyone could ever hurt me... and it was perfect. it was exactly what i needed, not wanted, needed. more than anything, it was exactly what i needed, i just didn't know it at the time. he let me go, and with that i was free. like really free. the rest of the summer brought even more surprises. good ones, hey, great ones. for the first time since i could remember, i began doing things for me. Me. I was looking out for number one. I am number one. I needed me. not my mom, not christian, not chris. i couldn't live for anyone else anymore. this is my life, and I, and I alone, am responsible for living it. and it was the greatest feeling ever. it still is, and i plan to keep it that way. im not letting any more room for regrets, window sills, or even boys to take that away from me. thank you, God. it took me a long time, but i'm glad i made it Here. im ready to do everything ive always wanted to do, everything i wanted to be. we can do anything, you know? everything and anything is in our power to achieve, and we're so blessed. life's not worth stressing when you're living like this, a blessed life, a loved one. you need to remember where you are, and where you aren't. and you need to be grateful everyday, by living it, no bitching, no whining, no regrets. you just have to live your blessed life the best way you can, and that's all you can do. Hold on to the ones who'll never leave you, and love the shit out of the ones who can leave you before they actually do, haha. that's all you have to do, give all you can to yourself and today.
in the end, it does sound different this time, doesn't it?
Told you so :)
live my life. TI
love goes on. natalise
and on and on..
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| i felt it today.
it really scared me feeling it again. it happened last friday night, too. i can feel it crawling back into me.. starting at me toes, climbing up through my knees, then i can feel it at the bottom of my stomach. that's the worst part. you feel it at the pit of your stomach, and it pulls u down, and u know its only a matter of time when it reaches your lungs so that it gets harder to breathe. and after that, its over. you know you're pretty much done for. because after it hits your lungs, there's only one place left for it to go-- your fuckin heart. luckily, both times the farthest it got was its tips of its fingers on my lungs. i definitely felt it on my chest, had to sit down n breathe, like i had frickin asthma or something. i sat back in the couch, i lied down in my bed.. smoked it away, napped it away. wtvr i had to do. bc for once in my entire life, i have finally done what iv had to do to get away from it-- to get it away from me. i went in to talk to someone. yepp, folks. after probably my entire adolescent life and beyond, i have avoided it, but i finally took the plunge. i blame love. i did it for love: bc of the ppl i love, bc they love me back, and probably most importantly, bc i love me. and i felt so low for so long this time, i just had to do it. i couldn't breathe anymore, nothing made me want to get out of bed anymore. i was done. i am done with it. i don't want to feel that helpless anymore. but these past couple weeks, iv been on a high. okay, maybe not a legit high, but seriously, compared to how it was before, iv been actually happy. its been so good lately. i can breathe. like actually breathe. i know it doesnt make sense when i talk about breathing.. babies can breathe, fuck, plants can breathe. but, its different, hard to explain if u havnt been there, like really been there, sitting in your room and u fall back into something, grab where u believe your heart is, and literally, you cant breathe. n u reach out to punch something, to throw something across the room, but theres nothing but ground or wall. ugh, it hurts so bad. just like it did when your heart gets ripped out of your chest.
fuck, i love breathing.
i just wish bambam was around. i miss him so much. he was my way out, my oxygen tank. its going to be one of the most difficult things iv ever had to do going back home without him waiting in the driveway for me. i miss you. 4jkk206.
girltalk. talk talk talk.
i love it when girltalk talks.
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| wow, can i just take this time out to apologize for the quality of my xanga recently.. n by recently i definitely mean within the past 4-5 months. i really havent been spending the time i should be here.. now all that shit is built up in me n it comes out in the form of unexplainable outbursts at the apartment, the middle of the street, or on the grody-ass floor of my room on a perfect friday night.. a night i shouldv been out enjoying. mainly, sorry to xanga mang.. its been hella unloved this year, my bizzle love. damn, i didnt even get a chance to write down my new years resolutions this year... theyre not as good as last year, meaning iv probly already betrayed them somehow.. shit. hey, its ok ! cuzz guess what? yeah, i dont know either.. but im sure its not too late to turn this shit around...
aiite, lets start with a quick update. its been a slow start to oh eight, um i really havnt accomplished anything extra super amazing.. but cmon thats not really news. letsee, oh hell, lets just get to my point. the reason for this momentary, yet hopefully not short-lived, resurrection: i feel like shit. WOW, NO FUCKIN WAY, KAS! shut the fuck up, i know what you're thinking.. you've somehow by accident stumbled across one of my old entries bc wow, to you're amazement it sounds like total deja-vu, rite?? yeah wtvr, fuck mang, im supposed to be hella "cured" by now right?? of this supposed chemical imbalance. isnt it supposed to be one of those infamous phases those angry teenagers go through every now and then... well um hello? im pretty sure i have been twenty for officially an entire week from today and um.. IM NOT A GODDAMN TEENAGER NOMORE. shouldnt this shit like dissolve or like spontaneously combust into dust like those vampires on buffy? yeah, instead its been a pretty shitty week of pretty shitty sleep and pretty shitty.. yeah u get the point. it just sucks ya kno? and here is where you can separate the sane from the cool ppl (yeah ok, by cool i definitely mean the crazies out there).. is it just me or is the mere fact that all ppl can suggest is to "seek professional help" a lil sickening to the stomach? ok, i plead guilty to throwing that phrase around myself, but its such a frickin cop-out, ya feel? plus, can i add that the feeling of needing to be "fixed" is kind of.. i dont know.. insulting?? wait, no, that's not the word i want to use.. how can i say insulting without really meaning it? ha, who knows, im no fuckin thesaurus (well, if i was this imbalance wouldnt be a problem in the first place would it). so, unfortunately for me n the ones i love, im not an inanimate object (wow, that would be fun tho wouldnt it??) and especially unfortunate for gaby, im not an enchilada. haha, oh man, thats some good shit. ok, well you get the point rite? bc honestly i feel like only the ppl who have actually been in the situation where you have been pushed to see someone are the ppl who kinda get where im coming from. all your friends saying the same thing.. hey, don't get me wrong-- i dont blame them for saying that shit, i mean i wouldnt know what else to say to someone i love who was goin through the same shit, but.. iono i guess thats where im so hesitant on the whole thing.. it hurts hearing it. lets go back real quick, i wanna say i was like.. in middle school? actually maybe early high school, yupp right in the deep, black hole of my teen angst.. 430pm, no traffic on 85S (some kind of miracle rite?), black leather interior, top is up bc its a strangely cold afternoon in march, and i can clearly recall my fingers outlining the mustang embalm on the waxy dash infront of me.. and u know what? at this moment im thinkin, hey you know what? i need to talk to my dad about this, he's been pretty cool with me lately, maybe he'll have some o'that good, hearty father to daughter advice for me.. so i take a chance, i trust my gut, i splurt out "dad, i've been pretty down lately." "Yeah, kas?" "Yeah, dad, iv been crying like everynight since 8th grade.." okay, well i guess this statement is pretty fuckin bold statement to start off on, so maybe i can attribute most of his reaction to shock.. but anyway.. the gist? my own father looked at me like i was some.. horrible creature, some fuckin rapist on deathrow.. wtf dad. then he says,"well, kas, i think we should have you go see some professional about that." what? seriously right now? it felt like my own father was writing me off, passing me on to a "professional." yeah, bc u didnt want to deal with me youself rite? bc.. you didnt want to deal with my shit.. isnt that what pro's are for, so no one else has to deal with our shit, just some poor shmuck that actually gets paid for listening to us?? iono.. i still cant think about it without a chill down my back. That was the last time i opened up to my dad, to pretty much anyone for a while..
so, i need to be "fixed" huh? bc, im damaged goods? im broken? what if all anyone needs.. is just someone to talk to? no, let me rephrase that.. someone to listen to them. yeah. that's better. n hey, i get that its a lot of pressure, and i admit, yeah most ppl probly do need more stuff than just "talking", but can i just say.. i don't want to go see someone if it means im going to get "fixed." i'm not broken ok? im not a broken person. im not some fuckin reject.. i just want to wake up every morning having something to look forward to, doesnt everyone? so, why does that mean that I have to be the one who needs fixing?
SCREAM
at the top of your lungs
timbaland.keri.nicole sh.
don't fight it, if you like it.
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| this isnt fun anymore. im tired. i need something, anything. something to look forward to everyday. the old reasons aren't holding up anymore. so give me some new ones. please.
melodyofexistence.norwegianrecycling
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| hey, i guess its around that time of yr again..that was hella fast. um, i guess it was good. much muchhh better than 2006 definitely. yeah, im goin to say 2007 was a pretty good fucking year actually.. lets see! JAN ok, jan was kinda a blurr, but the gist of it was ice skating in walnut creek, a good weekend at usc, a good smorgasbord of apt parties, n well, the beginning of me n the boy. jan was pretty amazing. FEB february 2007 basically owned every other month of this year.. n probably my entire life. yea, congrats feb u were probly the best time iv ever had. ever. it started off with THE best, most infamous, most hilarious allnighter me n gabs ever pulled, immediately followed by THE best birthday party a girl could everr ask for, immediately followed by THE best birthday dayy & night a girl could ever ask for, AND THENN followed by SUPERBOWL SUNDAY. see, i dont know how you can beat that. Next up, you got the best valentines day im prety sure ill ever hav in my life, ever. and thenn dance marathonnn which was like a dream come true for me. ppl dancing all night?? ppl dancing for 26 hours?? non stop?? yeah, im there. immediately followed by boy's bday, i finally get to be introduced as the girl. uh, n the last few days of the month? um, i think theres some gallery wine tasting in there n im not sure, but im sure it were awesome. MARCH lets see.. march. ah, i know, the last month of the quarter, more good times had, ok i guess march wasnt that memorable in my head. there wwas definitely some amazing sake bombing, ah yes, and the infamously good/horrible undierun. it was definitely the most fun undie run ever.. followed by a horrible falling out with tabs.. ouch. n then well i guess it was spring break ! APRIL nthn much i remember i guess..?? more random apt parties.. the important thing is i dont remember anything badd happening MAY may was goodd: started off with the night we went to dormal ! that was really fun, got to go with my date. followed by getting smashed at the apt. then cant forget to mention WARRIORS MADE THE PLAYOFFSSSS. wow. it was grand while it lasted. much more random times..themed frat party after frat party, birthday shindigs, a general shitshow month.. JUNE here it is, rounding off the amazingness of first year. the crew comes up for a visit, amazing times at the beach follow. it was great having everyone meet my life finally. best iv done in a quarter aka i didnt fail a class this time !! woo. last undie run of the year was big. like, pretty big. "i love you". moving out was a pain, but it was fun. d7 served its purpose, gave us an amazing first yr.. time for summer vacayy. home kinda sucks lol..gchat is my new bestfriend. JULY was pretty amazing. TRANSFORMERS comes out in theaters. the boy comes up to visit me while the parents are away. imagine a week n a half of the best time of my life. yeah, pretty much. the 4th was gorgeous. parties at kas's. roadtrip down to LA. fly back. webcam becomes a good friend. i get to work at my mom's office. money's good, work okay. solar energy is a blast lol. AUG say gbye to the kids bc its time for summer school in LA! but not before gettin wasted at the beach haha. a well-deserved, pleasant time of an empty double in saxon, quiet campus, n just LA sun. yeah it was weird bein there without everyone, but looking back, it was good. i needed that. plus, i believe it there were santa monica dates, and sunset horseback riding :D SEPT summer in LA interrupted with the BEST roadtrip everr to the bay n back with scotty. we make it up for jess's 19th. n run amuck at a beachhouse. uh ohhhh end of summer is a comingg, too bad i dont care haha. i stay in LA til only a week or so before time to move back in. n then its timeeee !! ITS SECOND YEARRR. unfortunaly, zero week was way overrated, over anticipated, n in general, lame. 2nd yr cant really hold a candle to first year, but the new floor pulls it out, most social floor in dykstra, n definitely beats last yr. me n gabs stuck in another triple. OCT was greatt. kicked it off with a spontaneous fucking amazing roadtrip to the BAY for st francis v bell game. that was sooo fun. lets do it again pls. more of 2nd yr frat parties, end of blackout, beer pong game after beer pong game, cal game, death ride in the windebego (sp?) ..OH YEAH DISNEYLAND. it was SO AMAZINGG. then um helloooo HALLOWEEENNNNN. all hill halloween too. i love dressing up. NOV was the month of ashe. i was probably in n our of ashe center 4 times this month. mgmt projects. playboy mansion party. haha oh yeah, nov was also the month of hives, handcuffs, and um assassins. all these things equal ME not leaving my room for 3 weeks. LAME. next ! DEC started with the SC game, yeah we lost, but it was a great day in general. house party. secret santas. fun undie run. and CRUISEEE. jamaica, mon. i figure my major/minor out i think. adderall is fun. bong design project. resurrection of the alcoholic. hehe. HOME, back with my boy, my friends, gaby's here right now. best xmas present ever. wow, that was a good fuckin year. thanks for 2007. thanks for makin up for oh six. i really appreciate everything. stay tuned for.. new year's resolutions..coming soon haha. take you there. sean kingston.
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